A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
'How to Defeat China' while working from Home? While we sit comfortably in our homes, we try to gather as much information around the ongoing conflict, and so, we present to you a listicle of bliss. The only reason as to why you left your home and your authoritative parents to gain independence was by working in foreign lands and partying on weekends, but here you are- Stuck in your home, working and getting bored. Suddenly you see your dull Whatsapp buzzing, and almost raging with messages filled with hate for China and Chinese products, even your uncle who owns an electronic shop filled with Chinese products, is infuriated by the evil deeds of the "Dragon". You have it. The lazy patriotic heart of yours wakes up, and tries to move your soul, but what to do? You can't go to the LAC and fight, you can't gain political prowess and ban Chinese products (Always remember the Middle class is born to suffer). Don't worry, we will take you through an illustrious guide on how to rebel against the only nation whose children are better at studying than the Indians.
- Try re-naming the Prime-minister.
This is a fool-proof trick which can and should defame the legacy and leadership of the Chinese nation. We have re-named several of our cities and roads, Why not this? The next time you read "Xi Jinping", read it as "Eleven Jinping". The matter is solved (unless you're not a journalist). Eleven sounds mathematical, which we Indians are already good at and changing the name to a number sounds like he's some kind of a slave. Slave number Eleven-
"Eleven Jinping, sir",
"Whatever, just go and collect the Indigo plants";
See, sounds cool, right? Another plan, we can stop using the roman numeral XI, call it a demonic influence or something, it's high-time 13 gets a girl-friend. The red prime minister makes it to our listicle of A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
- Change the condiments.
For starters, if you're not a good chef, you can try adding "Neem Leaves" in Schezwan rice or "Haldi" in Hakka noodles. it won't be as tasty and it would be a torture to your taste buds or maybe you would get hospitalised, but anything for our beloved nation dude…..A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Never knew our homemade condiments could help us make A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
- Our own Jackie Chan
I think we can all agree that most people only know China for Jackie Chan, same as most people in India, know Sohail and Arbaaz because of Salman Khan. Two potential beings can audition for India's Jackie Chan; Baba Ramdev or Anyone from our Legislative assemblies. Ramdev Baba makes a good choice as he is healthy, fit and not ashamed to go Topless on National Television, but can he be a better fighter than our MPs and MLAs who have supreme endurance to chairs slung at them and could use even mikes and papers as lethal weaponry? That's our only violent bullet point on A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
- Use "Sarson ka Tel" instead of Soya Sauce.
The only way people recognise Soya Sauce is because it's brown, slimy and smells bad, well, same is with "Sarson ka tel", Why can't we replace Soya Sauce with our very own fat juice? The best advantage is; if it's left in the pan after cooking or falls on your dress while eating, you can rub it on your hands and legs to flex your muscles or remove cramps, Great! You can even make a Chinese dish with "Sarson ka tel" while enjoying A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
Nope. Sorry. Won't Work.
6.Tik-Tok vs Tip Tip
Its high-time now, guys we have to stop using Tik-Tok. Not because we don't like the content (that's debatable) but because we have done better- Indian commercial and B-Grade Cinema. In my personal opinion, the only thing that can be better than the content featured on Tik-Tok, while maintaining the class and standards, are Indian movies from the 90s, nobody can forget "Tip Tip Barsa Paani" "Oonchi hai Building" and other tentpole works of our beloved superstars like Akshay Kumar, Govinda, Anil Kapoor, Anu Malik and others. Those days, Indian Cinema had everything, frontal misogyny, subtle sexual acts, pompous dresses, over the top dialogues, no acting skills whatsoever and most importantly- no production skills at all. This pretty much proves, what Tik-Tok is doing now, we have done 20 years earlier. That's a fun and quirky bullet point on A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
- Replacing Chinese Crackers.
This is a tough one, but we will get through, hear me out. What is the closest thing to the noise which a Chinese cracker makes? Old Indian Dads Farting. Yes, your dad's farts can be used as a profound tool for the patriotic gesture we owe towards our nation. The next time your dad breaks one out, and I'm sure you would know when he does that (I do, I can tell just by the movement of my Dad's eyebrows that he is going to Fart), just record the noise on your phone, amplify it, and play it on Deepawali, it'll be eco-friendly, won't harm anyone and serve our purposes. Another smelly, yet classic case on A definitive guide On 'How to Defeat China' while working from Home.
- Defaming the Great Wall of China!
This is something which you cannot practically do but surely can imagine. You've always seen smart Indian people, saving their time and money to Pee on random walls, and lovelorn couples writing their names on our famous historical monuments. So as we Indians are accustomed to such things, in our free time, we should imagine peeing on the Great Wall of China and scribbling "Rahul love Sonia" with a heart and a cupid's arrow, on various spaces of the wall as a Graffiti artist would do. Try to teach your mind against the Red Dragon and we shall win this hypothetical war.
Other than these choices, you can also rename China Rose as Taiwan or Hong Kong Rose and Chinese Collar to Japan Collar or Tibet Collar, because our enemy's enemy should be our friend. So yeah, dearly over-patriotic folks, we hope you now understand "How to defeat China" while working from home.